Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Shit My Bosses Say, #1

1. "What's your twenty?"  
   Translation: "Where the fuck are you?"
   Usually I'm hiding, with help from the grip and electric departments.

2. After buying a million office supplies from Office Depot: 
   "I like the containers Staples sells these in better. Run to Staples."

3. On walkie: 
   "[My name], MoHome." 
   Translation: "Get the fuck in here!"

4. "Deliver this present to my four-year-old nephew, but pretend to be a delivery person. Can you sing?"

5. "You wanna go on a run?"
   Translation: "Get your car."

6. "You ask too many questions. Don't bother me with details. Just get it done."
   Less than an hour later: 
   "This isn't right. Why didn't you call and ask me?"

7. "Stand by."
   Translation: "Stay wherever you are for two plus hours until I remember why I sent you there or make you come back."

8. "What are you doing right now?"
   Translation: "Help art department." 

9. "Help catering."
   Translation: "Set up the tables, chairs and pop-up's for lunch while the caterers have a smoke break."

10. "[My name], we love your enthusiasm, but [insult that makes me cry once I'm alone in my car]." 

11. "We need you to pick up an iPad."
    Translation: "Drive 33 miles down the 101 and 405. Pick up this exact model at this exact store on the day the new iPhone comes out. Drive back."

12. "Bring the ape to set."

13. "We have something fun for you."
    Translation: "You're going to be an unpaid extra."

14. "If you're on time, you're late. If you're early, you're on time. If you're late, you're fired." 

15. "You get to leave early tonight."
    Translation: "Run the film to Burbank."

16. On the phone: 
    "I'm in the bathroom. Bring me a tampon."

17. "You're on lock-up."
    Translation: "Illegally hold traffic on Main Street."

18. "Research interesting primates at the zoo and take pictures with your phone."

19. "Hurry up! Run! No, really, RUN! Why do you always sound like you're underwater when you talk on your headset?" 
    I'm always running at the same time.

20. Super fast before I can dig a pen or my phone out: 
    "We need a non-fat chai latte, a made-up-drink, two double-caps, two other-made-up-drinks, one venti vanilla latte, a tall something-in-German and a mocha-no-specification-on-mocha-what."
    Then they spin around and take off in the opposite direction, yelling on their cell phone.  

So, that's my job. Excuse me while I make a noose out of my headset.



Lilly said...

Gah. This stresses me out for you. I had a job in college where I had to wear one of those, it was NOT fun. Your boss sounds a little nutso. Keeps it interesting, I suppose.

Mahalo Apollo said...

Oh it's just some good ol' industry hazing. It helps to keep a sense of humor about it and just remember how silly most of it is.

Carolyn Nash said...

I have a million of these stored in my email. One of my favorites: a pause, a faint inhalation of irritation, and, without a hint of humor: "No one will ever marry you."

Thanks dude!

Mahalo Apollo said...

Oh man! That's intense. I just started writing them down, but had too many so decided to turn it into a series. The next one will start with a personal favorite: "The director wants those cows in the shot. We only have a permit to shoot over here. Inconspicuously stampede the herd toward camera left." You should post yours, too!