Shit My Bosses Say, #1

1. "What's your twenty?"  

   Translation: "Where the fuck are you?"

   Usually I'm hiding, with help from the grip and electric departments.

2. After buying a million office supplies from Office Depot: 

   "I like the containers Staples sells these in better. Run to Staples."

3. On walkie: 

   "[My name], MoHome." 

   Translation: "Get the fuck in here!"

4. "Deliver this present to my four-year-old nephew, but pretend to be a delivery person. Can you sing?"

5. "You wanna go on a run?"

   Translation: "Get your car."

6. "You ask too many questions. Don't bother me with details. Just get it done."

   Less than an hour later: 

   "This isn't right. Why didn't you call and ask me?"

7. "Stand by."

   Translation: "Stay wherever you are for two plus hours until I remember why I sent you there or make you come back."

8. "What are you doing right now?"

   Translation: "Help art department." 

9. "Help catering."

   Translation: "Set up the tables, chairs and pop-up's for lunch while the caterers have a smoke break."

10. "[My name], we love your enthusiasm, but [insult that makes me cry once I'm alone in my car]." 

11. "We need you to pick up an iPad."

    Translation: "Drive 33 miles down the 101 and 405. Pick up this exact model at this exact store on the day the new iPhone comes out. Drive back."

12. "Bring the ape to set."

13. "We have something fun for you."

    Translation: "You're going to be an unpaid extra."

14. "If you're on time, you're late. If you're early, you're on time. If you're late, you're fired." 

15. "You get to leave early tonight."

    Translation: "Run the film to Burbank."

16. On the phone: 

    "I'm in the bathroom. Bring me a tampon."

17. "You're on lock-up."

    Translation: "Illegally hold traffic on Main Street."

18. "Research interesting primates at the zoo and take pictures with your phone."

19. "Hurry up! Run! No, really, RUN! Why do you always sound like you're underwater when you talk on your headset?" 

    I'm always running at the same time.

20. Super fast before I can dig a pen or my phone out: 

    "We need a non-fat chai latte, a made-up-drink, two double-caps, two other-made-up-drinks, one venti vanilla latte, a tall something-in-German and a mocha-no-specification-on-mocha-what."

    Then they spin around and take off in the opposite direction, yelling on their cell phone.  

So, that's my job. Excuse me while I make a noose out of my headset.

Mahalo.